The Minnesota Vikings New Stadium

Well, we all know THAT’s not going to happen, now is it.  Not unless they actually get an NFL team together instead of the last shreds of the Barnum & Bailey circus that they’re running out there now.

So let’s recap.  In 2009, Brad Childress lobbies for the Great Brett Favre and holds a ticker tape parade when he gets him.  The entire state of Minnesota is vibrating with excitement.  Brett “aw shucks” himself into a great year, beating out the team that created him twice and sticking the proverbial middle finger up the collective asses of every Cheesehead in Wisconsin, and winding up in the NFC Championship Game just a rat’s hair away from going to the Superbowl.

Then the 2010 Annual Retirement/Hold-the-Team Hostage Party begins.  For months, fans of the NFL have to listen to the endless drone of Mooch Mariucci telling us how Brett is really hurting and thinks this is it but still thinks he might play, the riveting should-he-or-shouldn’t-he ass-kissing events that take place daily on the major sports networks.   And then we hear that he’s made up his mind; he’s not coming back for another go-around.  What??? 

Hattiesburg Training Camp For Brett

Do our eyes deceive us?  But what about seeing you on the field with all those high school hopefuls, tossing the ball around every day down in Last Gasp, Mississippi in your daily self-promotionals?

But wait…the Three Stooges boarded a plane and went down there to beg, plead, cry, and masturbate Brett Favre until he had no choice but to go back to his team with them.  His resolve cracked like an egg.  He was going to give life back to Minnesota and be rewarded for his graciousness like a king…the Vikings would throw money at him, even when he wasn’t asking for it.  Because he’s a warrior, a gladiator that fights through it all, pain be damned!  He’s BRETT FAVRE.

But this isn’t the same Brett Favre nor the same team that he left in January.  His go-to receiver, Sidney Rice, get injured.  He re-injures his ankle.  He has tendinitis in his elbow.  So the ever-so-likeable Coach Childress goes out and gets him a new toy, one Randy Moss, future HOF wide receiver that the New England Patriots cast off like a dirty whore because of Randy’s undiagnosed bipolar disorder that causes him to speak irrationally when it’s that time of the month.  Randy appears happy, but let’s face it, he was in shock at having once again not being able to control his thoughts before they escaped his mouth and found himself without his binky, Tom Brady

Could there be a better tandem than the Great Brett Favre and the Great Randy Moss?  Well, yes.  How about Tom Brady and Randy Moss?  But that’s over.  But the potential for another blockbuster year was profoundly disturbing to the entire NFC.  Three days after The Great Trade, Randy takes the field with the Great Brett Favre, and they connect!  Oh, joyous days for Minnesota!  At least for a week or so.  And then the Vikings lose.  And lose again.  And then they’re 2-4.  The mediots are questioning why the Great Brett Favre came back, risking his legacy, his greatness, when he is just a shell of himself.  But wait, they’re going to play the New England Patriots, laughing that they now had the great Randy Moss and he was giving up all of the secrets to the kingdom.

Or not. 

On the day after the Minnesota Vikings lost to the New England Patriots, Coach Childress told his team that Randy Moss was no longer a part of the organization.  Why?  Because Randy Moss missed his teammates here.  Because he got choked up coming back here.  Because he’s now being coached by a moron on a one-way street to the Unemployment Office that can’t control his own team.  

So just to regroup here.  The Minnesota Vikings want a new stadium.  They have a team in disarray, on a slippery slope to going 2-14 this season, a quarterback whose primary word in press conferences is “I”, a coach who appears to have as much control over his team as Mr. Kotter did over his class of sweathogs, and a beast of a pass rusher in Jared Allen who lost his will to live when his future wife insisted he cut his mullet when they had their wedding.

So I don’t think the Minnesota Vikings will be getting a new stadium.  Unless it’s in Los Angeles.

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New England Patriots Game 7 – Pats v. Vikes

"The Biggest Little Man on the Team"

So who’s the best team in football as of November 1, 2010?  If you listen to the pundits, analysts, and mediots, it’s the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Hmmm…and what’s their record?

That’s right, my friends.  The best record in football this morning belongs to the New England Patriots, the team filled with rookies, second-year players, and a bunch of no-names.  Except, of course, for the general leading his forces, Tom Brady.  So here we are again, reminiscent of the gut-wrenching, nail-biting games of the 2001-2006 era, and you know what happened then.  The dynasty, the three Superbowl championships, the birth and growth of what will probably end up being the greatest quarterback in football history. 

Next week we go to the armpit of the NFL, Cleveland.  Home of the quarterback carousel and the coach that has the biggest target on his back.  Trap game, for sure.  But when all is said and done, our team will be 7-1 at the end of the first half of the regular season, and well on its way to a home field advantage and first-round bye in the playoffs. 

So the game.  Randy Moss was a non-factor, covered over the top by the safety and underneath by Arrington.  All day.  8 yards.  Salty tears after the game wishing he never opened his mouth and that he was joining in the muted Patriots celebration in the locker room.   You did us proud when you were here, Randy, but you’re history.  You’ve got your Pro Bowl quarterback in Minnesota, and speaking of him…

Here’s Fetal Favre himself, being carted off the field with a chin laceration.  Wait, what?  Could we please drum up some more drama?  I mean, 8 stitches, people.  Of course, that’s in addition to the amputated foot – calm down, it’s a joke.   But seriously, he is a tough old bastard, isn’t he?  He actually played a good game, too, until he added another injury to his insult.

Adrian Peterson is probably the best running back in the NFL.  Not yesterday.  Not against the Patriots.  Don’t get me wrong, he had a good game, but not Adrian Peterson good.   Yesterday he was introduced to the New England Patriots defense, and they rendered him, well, mediocre.  Let’s face it, he wasn’t Benjarvus Green-Ellis good!   Glad this kid has a chance to show his stuff now that the excess baggage named Maroney is someone else’s head-scratcher.  He’s been a nice little story since poor Fred Taylor has been sidelined with his yearly vacation after training camp.

Now, Minnesota has a pretty good defense.  In fact, I thought it was good enough to pick up as my defense in Fantasy Football.  But now I’m starting to question my choice.  Jared Allen was the guy I wanted on my team, a beast, a whirling dervish, the Tasmanian devil, the guy that scared the shit out of every QB in the league.  Has anyone seen him lately?  Matt Light, the guy who everyone wants to put in a wheelchair at the old-age home, seemed to handle him pretty damn good, wouldn’t you say?  Jared, what happened to you?  I think we all can say with a reasonable degree of certainty that you need to grow back the mullet, baby.  I get the whole wedding pictures/future wife didn’t like it crap, but, man, it’s killing you.  Grow some bal…mullet!

Okay, so where are we now?  Oh, yeah.  Patriots won.  Vikings didn’t.  Patriots 6-1, Vikings 2-5.  Defensive players I’m watching turn into big-time ballers before my eyes:  Devin McCourty, Brandon Spikes, Jerod Mayo, Rob Ninkovitch, Jermaine Cunningham.  Offensive binkies:  Aaron Hernandez, Gronk, Alge Crumpler, BJGE, and the Biggest Little Giant, Danny Woodhead.

On to next week.  My prediction?  A nail-biter.  Or a snoozer.

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